Sleep is overrated. So, I'll blog a smidge.

So. God is great. but sheeesh. Can I still be frustrated?? I hope so.  This whole month has been the toughest month out of the past 5 months of this whole new journey of finding God, building a relationship with Him, holding onto it, & learning how to be......who He wants me to be.  Let's just be honest. I'm still lost. or at least I'm still feeling lost, but I know this is the right way.....this is all part of the process.

• I'm still lost.  I still feel very disconnected at times...and I don't always wake up happy :/....when there is so much to be happy about?! This isn't who I am? I love to love...i love to be happy....but whatever on earth this transition I'm going through is a rollercoaster of emotions for sure.  I don't want my emotions to take over and control me...but they do sometimes.  I recently got a job as a teacher...I'm so excited/nervous/anxious...etc... BUT...here's the deal. God is telling me...it's not permanent where I am. I truly believe that I'm going to be in another country teaching or working for some type of organization......& that sounds absolutely crazy b/c I never thought that ever...until over the past several months...........and my heart STILL aches for Africa! Now....I still can't distinguish between if it's just because I know I'm going, but it's not time...or if it's because I'm going to be teaching there....all I know is that I will be going. Im so positive about that.... BUT I do trust that that is only part of it.  I'm still listening and being patient on what the Truth is. 
• My heart literally hurts. just simply aches. for my friends, for my family, for strangers.  & it's not just once a week or once in awhile...it has been EVERYDAY for at least the past 3 weeks. EVERYDAY!!!! At times it makes me so sick. sick to my stomach...sick to the point of just crying until I can't cry anymore...& most of the time...I hold it ALL in until late at night and then BAM! let the water run.  Sometimes I can't even explain why I'm crying. I just am.
• Soo.. like I said... I recently am a new 5th grade elementary teacher....and I'm happy & people are happy for me....but...I know...that deep down... SOMETHING is still missing. I pray that I know what it is...but God keeps telling me to "Hush" ....not even kidding.......I feel like He keeps covering my mouth and is whispering....be patient...just listen. listen my child.....You are destined for great things...but you are not ready for those things yet...we've got some work to do....!